To: Moments

I am, unfortunately, unable to deal with uncertainty.

I prefer life to be neat and compartmentalized. This way, when it comes apart, as it so often does, it can easily be pieced back together.

But sometimes, life throws you a curve ball, just for the heck of it. I find myself inept among the pieces; all my preferences now meaningless.

It was time to build anew. 2017 would be the year of transformation, I promised. I’d seen my friends — who’d been through worse — do the same. They said the journey ahead will be rough, and fraught with doubt and insecurity, but you underestimate the depth of those feelings, until you find yourself in the fray.

In this process, I find I have more questions than I do answers. What do I stand for? What do I love? Is living for one’s self at all possible? What if the choices we make today aren’t enough 10 years down the road? 

I find life is more haphazard than it is tidy. A rug, suddenly removed and shaken after 10 years. A billion dust particles fill the space, barely moving, slowly drifting in a downward settle. It is in that suspended state that I find myself seeking.

And it is infuriating.

“Transformation requires discipline,” she says to me, over our third glass of wine, and after I’ve asked her the umpteenth question that night. What she is asking me to do, really, is to be kinder to myself. “Are you not tired?” she asks, sounding very tired for me. She’s right, I am exhausted.

But perhaps that’s it — if I am to be kind to myself, I need to discipline the mind.

If 2017 is going to truly be a journey of self-discovery:

I need to make an ally of uncertainty. Knowing, that the chips will fall where they will, despite my intentions and preferences.

I have to be at peace in the midst of chaos and all the pieces. Trusting, that they will fall into a new shape that I will come to love and accept.

I need to surrender to moments as they occur, and seek reminders that there are no deadlines and expectations in the journey.

So here’s to a year of savoring the moments, instead of mourning how they’ve occurred or even their passing.

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